French Apple Pie by Ronny

1 part margarine (I use Vitalite)
2 parts flour (I use white flour, but half and half white and brown would work.
1.5 cups flour (approx 12 floz)
0.75 cups marg (approx 6 floz)
6 small-medium apples
Soft brown demerera sugar


  • Slice the apples as thinly (discarding cores) as you reasonably can with a knife (don’t bother peeling or showing off with a razor blade or owt) and place in a colander, layer by layer.
  • As you put each layer of apples in, sprinkle the sugar over until it coats the rings of apples evenly. Leave to sit while you make the pastry.
  • Rub the fat into the flour and a pinch of salt with your fingers until it resembles breadcrumbs. You’ll know you’re rubbing rightly if your palms remain clean (all those incidents with a plastic ruler on the back of my knees in Domestic Science lessons taught me summat).
  • Add cold water, little by little, to the mix and clump together with your hands or with a spoon until you have a ball o’dough. Don’t over-mix.
  • Either roll out or flatten with your palms onto a greased baking tray. Then arrange the apple slices on top about two layers thick. Press down against the dough firmly as you lay them.
  • Dredge the top with cinnamon, sprinkle with a little more sugar if you have a sweet tooth and then bake in a medium cool (gas mark 4-5 / 180C) oven for 30 mins.
  • Allow to cool before eating or it’ll take the roof of yer mouth off. Best served the following day.
  • The recipe is taken from the follow-up to Ronny’s low-budget masterpieces ‘The Cake Scoffer’ and ‘The Salad Scoffer’: The Return of The Cake Scoffer.